Rough days

I look at John, my sweet 6 year old boy. I watch him go on with his business, stimming away,rocking, making his strange noises. Its something that as a mother of an autistic child, you never can get over. I don't mean to say that in a mean way. What I mean is, it, for me, is what makes it so real. It is my reminder everyday that John is autistic. Sometimes as I watch him, I feel myself getting teary. I can usually get it under control....since this usually happen in public, and I don't want to cry in front of people. I shouldn't be crying anymore...I have known John was different for enough years to come to terms with it. Anyway, inside I am screaming "John just stop it! stop what you are doing and you will be alright!!" I feel like, that is all that makes him autistic. Like, he is otherwise what we in the autism world like to call, Neuro typical. Deep down, I know that is not true. He is autistic, he will always be autistic. That is just his most obvious sign of it.


       People will often say to me " You cant even tell that he is autistic, I never knew until i saw him doing that!" I'm not sure how that is supposed to make me feel. Are they trying to make me feel better?? Is that their way of comforting (?) me?? Well, i guess it doesn't make me feel anything. Not happy, not sad, not angry. I just hear what they say, and think "ok."  I just wonder, how do people who don't know autism, what its like, what it looks like, how do they feel when they see John doing that? I have seen people look, with curiosity, sadness, and sympathy. Like, they are feeling bad for him,and me. Like they think he is lost completely, with no hope for a normal life ever. When I see people looking, in that way, I wrap my arm around him....as if I am saying " i love this little boy, and I am damn proud of him. No matter what you are thinking behind that look, this boy is just perfect."


          Moms of children with autism say they are proud of their child, and that they are perfect, and how happy they are to have them as a child. People think...why? Why are you proud? Why are you happy? Its simple. When you become a mom, no matter how many times you have done it...the first thing you feel when you look into your babies eyes is the purest,most real true love at first sight. Your whole body is engulfed with this feeling of happiness, and warmth. Your eyes cry tears of joy, while you think...I created this tiny little human being, and i immediately love him. That doesn't go away when they aren't reaching milestones. It doesn't go away when they don't speak to you, and instead scream at the top of their lungs for what feels like hours (and sometimes it really is) just to try to tell you they don't like how their pants feel. Or to tell you that they don't like the way you set the table. Then the day they say something out loud. Something you understand, something they want..... You are more proud than you have ever been. You scoop them up, hug them tight, and once again fill  up with that feeling of overwhelming love for your baby. One day, some stranger behind a store counter will smile at you and say..." You have a very sweet, friendly little boy there!", and you will walk out of that store again feeling that overwhelming love, and thinking how that person doesn't even realize how they just made your day. I feel proud over and over.


               Now, its not as if I don't feel this way when my other children accomplish things. When my oldest son brings home a test he got %100 on, I am proud. When my daughter writes a story, neatly,and with the words all spelled correctly I feel proud. Its just....different. I know that they can achieve those things, I know they are capable. With John...I am not sure what he can and cant do. I have hope for him. I do believe someday he will be able to do things everyone else can do. I just cant tell how fast,or easily things will or will not come to him. Will he learn to read with the rest of the kids in his class this year? Will he ever be able to do 5 consecutive jumping jacks? Will he ever learn to ride his bike? Will he ever even try to ride it? I just do not know. I knew his sister would learn to tie her shoes someday..... I hope John will.


              Anyway, just wanted to say that we have our rough days....sooo many rough days. There is usually at least one struggle daily. But when I look at John, my heart fills with the same love it fills with when I look at his brothers and sister. I am proud of him.